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Adam – our foster child – is fifteen months now. It is the middle of August. By Rosh HaShanah – just a month away – Adam will have been with us for a year. And while it is my gut feeling that the state will make a decision on whether he will be eligible for adoption or whether he will be reunited with his birth family, things are still up in the air.
Last night, my husband was asking me what I thought about a future four year old Adam finally adopted, finally undergoing circumcision in preparation for a Jewish conversion. Wouldn’t that be traumatic? he asked. I told him that no, Adam would be under anesthesia and probably wouldn’t remember anything and anyway, I explained, I’m sure a decision will be made one way or another much sooner than that.
But my husband’s fear comes not from the procedure itself, but the current fear of the unknown – what will happen with Adam? I think that my husband and I were much better with this emotionally when it looked like it really could go either way, or when it looked for a while like Adam might go back to biological family. But now it looks like he’ll be staying with us. It looks like he will become available for adoption… but no official decision has been made.
I think as much as we may not look forward to putting an older child through a ritual circumcision, I think we are both deep down looking for some finality on Adam’s case.
If and when the time comes, we will find a Mohel – a person trained both medically and in Jewish law to perform circumcisions – who specializes in older children.
And hopefully by then I will have found a good way to explain what we are doing to Anna.
ouch,that is a tough dynamic to consider. No words of wisdom, but lots of empathy coming your way.
We had to wait until both of our foster son’s were adopted to have them circumcised. The younger was about 15 months and didn’t seem to remember it. Buck was about 2, I think. He talked for a couple of years after that about the doctor cutting his penis off. He doesn’t remember it now and seemed embarrassed by my story. I don’t think it was really a pain issue.
Julia
I know this is a religious issue, but it does seem to have the potential to become a bolder with your child down the road. The debate between the do it and don’t do it groups is loud and seems to be getting louder. The ‘don’t do it’ makes the point that this should be the child’s choice, it is not medically required. I am not arguing who is right, what counts is how your child feels about it as he gets older. If the argument ‘It was your right, and your parents had no right to do that’ resonates with him, this could be a large issue.
The adopted son of a friend, finally let his mom know how much he hated his foster parents for circumcising him. The mom checked it out and let him know that his foresskin was badly infected, and that was the reason for the surgery. To her amazement, he continued to see the foster family as bad people for cutting him ‘down there’. That was long before the current ‘Its your right’ stuff was in the media.
Part of how this might play out depends on where you live. Julia is in MI, an area where that procedure is still routinely done. Her kids go to school with other kids who also had this. Here is CA, it is much less common, and the child is more likely to wonder why he has to look different.
There are always issues to deal with in adoption, good luck. John
Why not consider a Brit Shalom instead of Milah? Same beautiful traditional singing, words, same joyous celebration, same champagne and party sandwiches but no cutting of anyone’s penis.
A doting auntie- musician in Philadelphia has even composed music, “The Joy of Brit Shalom’ in honor of the ritual and others have added the appropriate words to it. Many areas have rabbis who are happy to perform it, and I’m quite certain you will be happier as parents. There is no doubt at all that Adam will be happier, and will thank you most appreciatively in time for leaving him whole.
Anna would need no painful explanation for the painful proceedure with its many risks and the life-long loss Adam would have to endure. After all the prepuce, through recent foundational anatomical research is now known to be not just skin but an actual organ and a nerve plexus, with 20,000 – 40,000 nerveendings, 2 dozen important functions, not just sexual, but affecting general health.
Over 100,000 men worldwide are now performing ‘foreskin restoration’, many of them Jewish, many MDs.
Many men are now turning from the roots which predicated their having been cut as infants and children, and as already noted in an earlier comment, some children express rage and hatred for having been circumcised, some even become physically violent. I have witnessed very violent behaviour from 3 and 4 year olds circumcised latewhich changed entire family dynamics, even destroying the family.
Lots more and many links here:
http://www.circumstitions.com/shalom
Dr. Mark Reiss will be happy to discuss it with you. Dr Reiss is a retired physician, a member of an Orthodox Jewish congregation and has grandsons who are not circumcised but have been “Bris Shalomed”
Many blessings for the welcoming of your son into your family.
Maurene White, R.N. Montreal
Yes, please do consider Bris Shalom. More and more of us are!
http://www.jewishcircumcision.org/
Providers:
http://www.circumstitions.com/Jewish-shalom.html
I adopted 3 older boys and faced this issue twice. Here is what I learned from others:
A few years ago the very young son of a friend at work suffered repeated urinary tract infections. The kid had one of those little elephant trunks at the end of his penis. Dad agreed with the doctor that circumcision was better than probably years of UTIs, but was concerned about the self image of his 4 year old. Mom still opposed circumcision. Someone suggested a minimal circumcision, which leaves enough foreskin to barely but fully cover the glans. Dad asked the doctor to suggest and explain this to his wife. The doctor told Mom that the boy could be spared years of UTIs and antibiotics, even risk of kidney damage, if just a tiny little foreskin were removed. The foreskin would still fully cover the penis, and no one would ever know that he was not born that way. Mom finally agreed, the UTIs stopped, and the foreskin still appears absolutely natural. The boy only remembers that a small operation fixed his pain, and thinks nothing of the very small change. Mom even agreed to have minimal circumcisions at birth for their two younger boys. Mom now says minimal circumcision is fine for boys left intact, maybe all boys, like it was her idea. Dad supposes that being left intact with a mini circ is OK.
That dad has a Jewish friend married to a non-Jew. When they got the news they would have a baby boy, the Jewish Dad started to plan for the Bris. Mom would not hear of it, forbid it, and the marriage was headed for the rocks. My friend explained his family’s experience with minimal circumcision. The non-Jewish mother very reluctantly agreed, and the marriage was saved. The Bris was done by a Jewish urologist using anesthetic at a clinic. The religious rights of the father and son were respected and mom’s need to save the boy’s foreskin was satisfied. The young boy can grow up happy his Dad honored their Jewish rights, accepted Mom’s strong beliefs as well, and a compromise that works for all of them was pursued.
If you wish to have the boy circumcised, find an experienced Jewish urologist, involve the boy during the preparations, and give him only a minimal circumcision. If there is even a little extra skin at the end of his penis, this should work out well. Take him to a Bris before and after so he understands this is part of his heritage. Fulfill the Covenant while leaving him still intact.