I wanted to continue the discussion on adoption language and talk today about another issue of language that we need to be mindful of, especially in the case of a transracial adoption like ours.

A few weeks ago, we spent Shabbat at my aunt and uncle's house. While they are about the same religious level as we are - modern orthodox - they live in a much more insular, homogenous and wealthy community. Anna was having a wonderful time running around with my little cousin, and we were sitting down with them having a conversation about whatever it was when my uncle used the word schvartze to describe someone. (Schvartze is a Yiddish (and German actually) word that simply means "black" but is often used in a derrogetory manner to describe a black person.)

Truth be told I was not really paying attention to what he was talking about so I didn't pick up until my husband said, "Excuse Me?

My uncle - who has used this word once before in my husband's presence - said that my daughter wasn't listening. And anyway, he wasn't talking about my daughter.

What we tried to respectfully tell my uncle is that it's not about who is listening and who is not. And if you constantly assume that my daughter, at three years old, doesn't understand what you're saying, then you are setting yourself up for getting in trouble the day she does understand. Shoplifting is wrong whether someone notices or not.

I remain steadfast in my philosophy that one should strive to use the same language in private as in public. If there are words I don't want my child using, then I myself should not be using them in my vocabulary - no matter what company I find myself in, or what people I am talking about.

Just like I don't want my daughter growing up feeling a stigma of being adopted, although she needs to know she is adopted and deal with those issues, so too the matter of her race. She shouldn't grow up feeling others' eyes upon her because she looks different and hear racial slurs and attach them to her identity, but the issue shouldn't be ignored. It should be talked about respectfully, honestly, and without the use of derrogetory terms. Because we shouldn't be saying things like that about anyone.