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I think that as adoptive parents, we go through a lot of losses. There is generally the need to deal with the loss of fertility options and emotional and physical issues that come with that. There is a loss of privacy, both during the fertility work ups and during the home inspection that comes with the adoption paperwork. Then, there is often mourning the loss of time you missed with your child before s/he arrived in your home.
There is another loss, one I’ve only been able recently to put my finger on. That is the loss of being just another ordinary parent. As open as I am to discussing our story, and as laid-back a personality I have, sometimes I look around at all the other parents and wish – that just for a moment – that I could have a taste of what it would be to be just another parent with just another baby announcement.
Its something that I deal with, and something my daughter will have to deal with as she gets older. It goes from little things like filling out medical history forms (there is seldom a box to check for ‘I haven’t the foggiest idea how to answer any of these basic family medical questions’ ‘adopted’) to talking to her teachers about proper adoption language to use. It’s the loss of being ordinary that can really be seen in almost every part of our lives.
My daughter is unique in our synagogue. Although she is totally accepted without question as part of our kehillah (community), she is black, and gets a lot of attention, that I suspect in some way, is rooted in the fact that she is so different from the other kids. Its good attention – nothing I’d complain about – but still, I wonder if we had an ordinary kid like most everyone else, would she get all the special treatment that I see?
Random people in the supermarket or on the street stop me to talk about our family. I find myself going into in depth conversation with people I had only known as acquaintances before.
I’m really not complaining – its not a big deal or major inconvenience in any way – and even if it was, I’d still have gone through with everything. My point here really, is that going through an adoption doesn’t end with the official court date. For the rest of your life, you are no longer just a parent, but an adoptive parent.
