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Part of the process of adopting a child through foster care is waiting for the outcome. I suppose that waiting for something to happen is very much part of any adoption process, but when you adopt a child through the state’s foster care system, you are usually taking in a kid who is not legally available for adoption. Whether or not you’ll be able to adopt the child is something that may take months or even years to sort out. It’s a gamble.
It’s not something that I’d recommend to every parent. To us, the idea of having a child come into our house, fill our home with baby and kid stuff and then to have that child leave would be heartbreaking – that is, assuming we had our heart set on that child’s adoption.
With our first child, we knew we would be hugely emotionally invested in the outcome. I think it would have been different if we had other children in the home, but if Anna’s adoption hadn’t gone through we would be left emotionally and physically empty.
When the state called us with Anna’s case, I had a long talk with several people on the phone regarding the details. Everyone involved was very confident that it would go through to adoption. And it did, thankfully for us.
Then we had a foster son about two years ago – a case that we knew from the start would not go through to adoption.
Adam is our third long-term placement. And though it seems that the case is leaning towards adoption, it’s still too close to call and as far as I know a trial date has not yet been put on the calendar.
It’s frustrating. What’s more frustrating, honestly, is the pace at which the state moves and the fact that one hand doesn’t seem to talk to the other. It’s frustrating that his caseworker has no new news for me one way or the other. It’s frustrating at the lack of communication between all the lawyers and state workers. It’s frustrating that in just over a month, Adam will have been with us a year – he actually arrived the day before Rosh HaShanah (the Jewish New Year) and I feel like we are no closer to a permanency plan for him now than we were then.
So we wait. And I’m giving you this non-update to tell you… nothing.
Waiting is hard. Our case took three years from placement to finalization. Not very comforting maybe, but we made it and are pleased with our son.
Waiting is horrible. I am in the same situation, but a little less time.
Home study completed in april, at the matching level, sent out several home studies, children adopted by foster parents or placed again with family aftr listed available to adopt… the process feels long…
My original poem– I hope it helps others.
Adoption Rollercoster
Everywhere are children, with parents smiling.
Summer is the time for family vacations,
Fall is for long walks on multicolor leaves,
Winter for snuggling with cocoa kisses,
And spring for planting and waiting for something to grow.
I do these things with my spouse, but feel alone
Because I see other families everywhere
And mine is not complete.
Each season marks one more
We did not get to spend together.
We keep searching, knowing she is out there
But we have yet to meet.
Every time the phone rings
My heart jumps into my throat and pounds.
Will it finally be my case worker? What will she say?
Why is it taking so long to make a file? A phone call? A match?
My home and life are empty, my heart cries for what it lacks.
It is hard to keep up hope, faith, trust, patience
When there are so many children who need care
Waiting for us, wishing we were there
But all things take time, and waiting slows it down
To a trickle that drowns my patience, leaving trails of tears.
Every store, every park, every family gathering
Reminds me that we are lacking that final piece
That person to share our wonderful life with
That child whose absence we feel so strongly
Whose company we long for, to share our love
Our home, our trials, our ups and downs.
I don’t believe that a child will solve problems
Or make me better, or keep our family together.
We don’t need any of that.
Our marriage, is so strong, so sweet.
I cry because love leaks from our door
attracting strays from the street.
Our home welcomes all who enter
and when, well fed, they stretch out on our couch,
they succumb to sleep, content as a child,
feeding off the love that spills from our house.
And so we wait. Every day a new day to hope.
Every morning the cats wake us and say
“Will you bring me my child today?”
The dog checks the nursery to see
“Has the stork brought my baby?”
Their sadness, their confusion,
They don’t understand.
They try to comfort us, but they, too, are upset
Two years now, and still we must wait
So tired in our souls, but we cannot fathom
Life without our child, and so together
We can only wait, our emotions going up
As we hope and pray, as we plan and laugh
And down, as we cry in fear that
It will never happen.
It is an adoption roller coaster
Sometimes up, sometimes down
Sometimes scared, sometimes ecstatic
I admit, sometimes we forget,
And when someone asks, it is a shock.
Having been expecting for so long
Loved and built a life together
It seems like we could do something
Anything, to make this happen.
But we find ourselves stopped,
Strapped in on the coaster
And all we can do is wait.