Adoption Rollercoster

Everywhere are children, with parents smiling.
Summer is the time for family vacations,
Fall is for long walks on multicolor leaves,
Winter for snuggling with cocoa kisses,
And spring for planting and waiting for something to grow.
I do these things with my spouse, but feel alone
Because I see other families everywhere
And mine is not complete.
Each season marks one more
We did not get to spend together.
We keep searching, knowing she is out there
But we have yet to meet.

Every time the phone rings
My heart jumps into my throat and pounds.
Will it finally be my case worker? What will she say?
Why is it taking so long to make a file? A phone call? A match?
My home and life are empty, my heart cries for what it lacks.

It is hard to keep up hope, faith, trust, patience
When there are so many children who need care
Waiting for us, wishing we were there
But all things take time, and waiting slows it down
To a trickle that drowns my patience, leaving trails of tears.

Every store, every park, every family gathering
Reminds me that we are lacking that final piece
That person to share our wonderful life with
That child whose absence we feel so strongly
Whose company we long for, to share our love
Our home, our trials, our ups and downs.

I don’t believe that a child will solve problems
Or make me better, or keep our family together.
We don’t need any of that.
Our marriage, is so strong, so sweet.
I cry because love leaks from our door
attracting strays from the street.
Our home welcomes all who enter
and when, well fed, they stretch out on our couch,
they succumb to sleep, content as a child,
feeding off the love that spills from our house.

And so we wait. Every day a new day to hope.
Every morning the cats wake us and say
“Will you bring me my child today?”
The dog checks the nursery to see
“Has the stork brought my baby?”
Their sadness, their confusion,
They don’t understand.

They try to comfort us, but they, too, are upset
Two years now, and still we must wait
So tired in our souls, but we cannot fathom
Life without our child, and so together
We can only wait, our emotions going up
As we hope and pray, as we plan and laugh
And down, as we cry in fear that
It will never happen.

It is an adoption roller coaster
Sometimes up, sometimes down
Sometimes scared, sometimes ecstatic
I admit, sometimes we forget,
And when someone asks, it is a shock.
Having been expecting for so long
Loved and built a life together
It seems like we could do something
Anything, to make this happen.
But we find ourselves stopped,
Strapped in on the coaster
And all we can do is wait.